How to Ask for the Help You Need
"You can do anything, but not everything." -- David Allen
Two years ago, I designed and facilitated an online course to help people transform their inspired ideas, inspirations, and ventures into reality. It was ton of fun and very fulfilling -- my "calling", if you will (and even if you won't).
Baked into the learning process were simple ways to help participants become aware of the places inside themselves where they were tangled or challenged in their approach.
One tangle that surprised me was how difficult it is for most people to ask for help.
While it is true that the creative process requires a healthy dose of solitude, it also requires a healthy dose of interaction with others and occasionally the well-timed support of others.
Indeed, there are times when even the most self-sufficient and confident person needs a push, pull, jiggle, jolt, feedback, encouragement, or hug.
Even though, most people intellectually acknowledge this need, most of us tend to default to the "I'm-in-this-all-alone" mode.
I've been pondering this phenomenon for the past few months, trying my best to better understand it. Here's what I've come up with:
Ten Common Reasons Why Most of Us Don't Ask for Help:
1. We assume that the people we want to ask for help are too busy.
2. We're unclear about the specific help we need.
3. We don't know who to ask for help.
4. We anticipate discomfort if our request for help is "rejected."
5. We don't believe we deserve anyone's help.
6. We think that asking for help is a sign of weakness.
7. We don't want to be "beholding" to anyone (i.e. if the person who agrees to our request turns around and ask us for help.)
8. We are afraid of strong personalities challenging our approach.
9. We are afraid of success.
10. We are afraid that our finished product won't be as incredible as we imagine it will be, so we subvert its completion by not asking for help.
So there you have it -- ten Big Bad Wolves that may have taken up residence in your head -- funky, old habits that compromise your ability to ask for help.
Please know there are many ways to go over, under, around, and through these obstacles. For starters, consider some of the following options. Then choose at least one of them to get the party started:
The Idiot Savant's Guide to Getting the Help You Need
1. Make a list of everything you don't know about your project.
2. Make a list of the kind of help you need. Be specific!
3. Make a list of everyone whose help you'd like.
4. Identify your preferred ways of asking for help, i.e. email, phone call, Zoom call, breakfast, lunch, dinner, drinks, walk, etc.
5. Identify what you can you barter in exchange for the help you are seeking, so it's not always a one-way transaction.
6. Think about who asked YOU for help in the past? How did you respond?
7. List your biggest limiting assumptions about asking for help.
8. Transform each of your limiting assumptions into a question, beginning with the words "How can I?" For example, if one of your beliefs is "Everyone I know is too busy to help me," change that assumption into a question, i.e. "How can I find out if the people I know are too busy to help me?"
9. Close your eyes and imagine that you had all the support you needed. How does that feel?
10. Sometimes, the hardest part of asking for help, is the opening line -- a way to break the ice. Towards that end, here are some conversation starters for you to consider:
-- "I'm not sure if you know this, but I'm immersed in a very meaningful project. The deeper I get into it, the more I realize that I need some support. I wonder if you'd be willing to (specific request here). I'm guessing this will take you about 20 minutes per week."
-- "Committed to (insert project name here), I'm in the process of putting together a team of talented people to provide support. I wonder if you're be available to be part of my team. Here's the specific support I'm asking you for (insert request here)."
-- "I have so much respect for your ability to (insert ability here). This, as you may know, is not one of my strengths. Would you be open, from time to time, to provide some input, coaching, or support in this arena?"
-- "Recently, I've run into some challenges with my project (insert specific challenge here). From what I can tell, you have already mastered this domain. Would you be willing to assist me?"
-- "Are you available, once a week, to meet with me and share your ideas and insights about my project?"
"Ask and ye shall receive."
The project I'm reaching out to friends for support